When I first got back into the dating world, I was so focused on not recreating the relationship I had just gotten out of.

I spent eight years with a guy who was never going to be who I needed him to be.

I felt like I had wasted so much fucking time.

And I was still blaming him - 

shaming myself - 

frustrated,

resentful,

regretful, 

and honestly...afraid.

My strategy was "hope" that someone, somewhere would come and sweep me off my feet — without really getting clear on what I really needed my relationship to be like...for me.

I was so focused on “not that — not that — not that” - 

that as soon as I met someone who had enough “not that's” (mixed with enough oo-sexy),

I’d be like: "omg - you're the one - eeee!!"

I'd attach and fantasize so fast, anxiously waiting for the ball to drop, not being fully honest with myself.

The decade that followed was a series of failed 3–6 month relationships, with a ton of recovery time between partners, and a lotta repeating patterns.